I'm gonna break your hip

Wolf Boy and his brother are great at losing the remote controls. One time the brother in law stayed with us and the remote control totally disappeared. Like if he took it home and hid it or something. Strange, I know. I mean it makes no sense to me why one wouldn't place the remote on the coffee table when you turn off the tv, but that's just me...
Wolf Boy stayed home while I went out for groceries. The remote is nowhere to be found! I mean gone. Poof! We have Time Warner Cable (which sucks) so we have an extra remote from one of our previous moves, it's a "universal" remote. You are supposed to program it and voilà! you have access to all your favorite boob tube shows. Not so much. It won't turn up the volume, or let you select a menu option. You have to press OK on the box itself. Oh, the humanity! How can I enjoy my show's without a proper working remote? I feel like I'm in the 1980's! My DVR'd shows are a pain to watch, I can't get anything from OnDemand...I'm going crazy! Nahh not really, I'm just really irritated that I have to sit on the floor, in front of the box to watch my stories.